Why You Don’t Like to Talk About Money and What to Do About It

There are real reasons why you don’t like to talk about money, and there are real ways to get unstuck.

(This post was updated from its original publication date of October 20, 2017.)

So...

How much did you make last year?

Do you carry a balance on your credit cards?

How much have you saved for retirement?

Did any of these questions make you squirm? Did your pulse quicken? You are not alone. Many Americans are uncomfortable talking about money.

Why You Don’t Like to Talk About Money

First off, please know that you are not alone. There are many people out there who come from families who do not talk about money (and I should know, they are my coaching clients). Maybe the family that you grew up in was comfortable financially and they thought that it was gauche to discuss finances. After all, you always had enough money, and you did not want to sound like you were bragging if you talked about how much things were worth.

Or maybe you were raised in a family with less means where frequently there was "more month than money." You may have been raised by parents who did not want to talk about money because it was a stressful topic. They might not have wanted to share their worries with their children, so they said nothing at all.

(My parents didn't discuss money with me either. I remember one time when I was about 12 and was nagging my mother to buy something. After a few minutes she became exasperated and said, "You do not know the value of a dollar!" I don't remember what I wanted, but I do remember thinking, "What is the value of a dollar?" Maybe that is part of the reason why I became a financial coach…)

Money is a loaded topic for Americans. The United States is a consumerist society (consumer spending accounts for 70% of U.S. economic activity). You are constantly being marketed to, and it makes sense to want the bright new shiny objects that are out there in the marketplace. Unfortunately, it takes money to buy them. Have you heard of "keeping up with the Joneses" or FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out)? Those are real things, my friends, and social media doesn't help:

"Look at my wonderful vacation pics!"

"View my new apartment!"

"Take a peek at my latest restaurant meal!"

Ugh. After all, who wants to feel like they are the only one in their social group who can't truly enjoy the pleasures of life? And if you are working so hard, why don't you have what other people have? You might feel that if you can't maintain the lifestyle that your social group has it is because you are doing something wrong. And that feeling of shame is far and wide.

Maybe that shame arises from the combined effects of a) not having parents that talked to you about money and b) not learning about personal finance in high school. I contend that if youth need to take driver's education to get behind the wheel, then they should have the opportunity to take a personal finance course before they are given a free license (no pun intended) to manage their checking, savings and credit card accounts. Thankfully, national nonprofit Next Gen Personal Finance is working towards getting high school financial literacy classes guaranteed in all 50 states.

Why You Don’t Talk About How Much You Get Paid or How You Bank

You may think that not talking about money is a “you” problem, but there's something deeper going on here. The taboo around talking about money isn't just about social discomfort – it's about power. There is power in knowing what people get paid. And if large employers keep this information from their workforce, they get to keep the power.

According to PayScale's "Salary Transparency Report 2024: Does Pay Transparency Close the Gender Pay Gap?", when employees discovered they were being underpaid compared to their peers, 75% of them actively sought a raise at their current company or looked for a new job. Further, research published in the Harvard Business Review article "Research: Gender Pay Gaps Shrink When Companies Are Required to Disclose Them" found that when companies were required to disclose gender pay gaps, the wage gap decreased by approximately 7%. On the part of employers, pay transparency has been shown to have a positive effect on job satisfaction, employee engagement, and productivity. So a question might be, is having power over your employees really more important than their satisfaction, engagement, and productivity?

Not only do employers tend to want to retain control over their employees, but mainstream financial institutions would also prefer that you not speak up about your banking practices either. A 2021 CFPB report titled "Data Point: Checking Account Overdraft" revealed that Americans paid $15.47 billion in bank overdraft fees in 2019 alone. Many of these fees were avoidable, but people often don't know which banks offer better terms or how to negotiate fees because people don't tend to share this information with each other. The report found that just 9% of consumers successfully disputed overdraft fees with their banks – imagine how that number might change if everyone talked openly about their banking experiences.

Not Talking About Money Gets in The Way of Systemic Change. What To Do About It

The shame and isolation that keeps people from talking about money has real consequences even beyond how much you get paid and how you bank. The Federal Reserve's 2023 Survey of Consumer Finances (SCF) reveals that the wealth gap between upper-income and middle-income families reached the highest levels ever recorded. In fact, the top 1% of Americans now hold more wealth than the entire middle class combined. When we frame financial struggles as personal failures rather than systemic issues, we miss the bigger picture: many Americans face similar challenges regardless of their family history, personal habits, or financial literacy.

Here’s another issue: when we don't talk about money, we miss opportunities to recognize shared challenges and organize for change. Bankrate’s March 2024 survey found that 65% of all U.S. adults who say money negatively impacts their mental health said it was caused by economic factors. Those with annual incomes of less than $50,000 reported feeling the most financial stress, with 53% saying they feel stressed by money, compared with 40% of those making $100,000 or more. Since most people suffer in silence, they are unaware that their neighbors are facing similar struggles with inflation, job insecurity, and not having enough savings in an unstable economy.

What to do? We've got to get this topic out into the open, plain and simple. Start small – share information about your salary with trusted colleagues. Join online communities where people openly discuss financial challenges and solutions, such as The Purse. Talk to your friends about the real costs of living, not just the highlight reel on social media. When you hear someone express shame about money struggles, remind them that they're not alone and that many of these challenges are built into our financial system. You can even reach out to me.

Remember, every time you break the silence around money, you chip away at a system that profits from our isolation. Every conversation about wages helps build worker solidarity. Every discussion about bank fees helps consumers make more informed choices. Every honest talk about money helps dispel the shame that keeps you from demanding change.

Talking about money won't just transform your financial life – it might just be the first step towards transforming the entire financial system.

What do you think?

What is an insight or “aha” moment that you noticed when thinking about why you don’t talk about money and what you can do about it?

What is the first smallest action that you can take that will enable you to start talking about money with someone else?

How can you practice self-care and set yourself up for success?

Share your thoughts with this insightful and supportive (and did I mention good-looking?) community, either in the Comments below or on LinkedIn.  Thanks, stay safe, and be well.